I long for selfishness. I don’t think that’s too much to ask for.
I don’t ask for an insane amount of it. I don’t want the solar system to revolve around me. I don’t expect to have others forgive me when I cause them harm. I don’t want to take it too far, to be cruel or harmful. But I want to be selfish. I want to be an individual.
Through most of my life – maybe all of my life – I’ve lived for other people. The words “I don’t want to be an inconvenience” have been on my lips so often that they might as well be tattooed there. I’ve made decisions based on what other people want, not me. I’ve allowed myself to be lied to and manipulated until the world that I lived in wasn’t mine. It was built by others, formed out of expectations and good intentions, but all in all amounting to little more than regret and my own personal loss of power.
So now, I long for selfishness. I long to make my own decisions, even if they’re stupid ones. Even if they’re irrational and emotional and wind up leaving me bitter and alone, at least they’re my decisions.
I long for these decisions to be made with only me in mind, and maybe that’s why I’m so afraid to attach myself to someone. Because once I fall in love, then it can no longer be about me. My decisions must involve another, and that’s the only thing I’ve ever known. I’ve never done anything big for myself, never done the thing that I, personally, wanted to do, and I long to do that. I’m tired of being attached to people. I’m tired of having to make everyone happy at the expense of my own contentment. I’m just so fucking tired.
I long for control, to do the thing that makes me happy even if it doesn’t make anyone else happy. I long for a life that is completely my own.
The only problem with all of this is, I have no idea where to start.