The Adventures of a Bored, Bisexual Girl on Tinder

Why am I on Tinder? I don’t expect anything to come from it – it isn’t even all that fun – so why am I opening it up? How is this going to make my life any better?

It isn’t, I reason, but it might kill boredom for a couple of minutes and make you feel like you made an attempt to be sociable. And, besides, it is kinda fun to window shop, isn’t it? Look at all the potential prospects and swipe them away with a single finger, like a princess sorting through her suitors to find the best one. It might be petty, stupid, and judgemental, sure, but we all need something to rot our souls for a little bit.

This is such a waste of time, I think as the app opens up and the first picture pops up on my phone.

Oh, he’s cute.

He’s a douchebag.

Oh, come on. How can you tell?

Look at him! I bet he smells like Axe body spray and makes sexist jokes about how women should stay in the kitchen.

You can tell all that from a picture, can you?

It’s Tinder. What else do I have to go from here? Look, maybe someday I’ll meet him in real life and he’ll be the sweetest man to have ever walked this earth, but for now, that’s my assessment. Take it or leave it.

Left swipe.

This is a little bit judgemental, don’t you think? It can’t be good for the soul to look at a picture of someone who you don’t even know, someone who has a life, a family, a story, and dismiss them entirely as someone who you don’t even want to speak to.

Shut up.

I’m just saying, this isn’t good karma.

The creator of the app said that all this is is a microcosm of what we do in real life – we look at a person and make a split-second judgement about them based on what we see. And some scientists say that it only takes a couple of seconds for a woman to decide if she is attracted to someone or not, so why can’t that decision be based off a photo?

I don’t know, all of this still sounds really faulty to me. And it ignores all the intricacies in a person, all the fine little details like the way they move, the way they present themselves, the way they think…

I’m not looking for a soulmate here, okay, I’m just trying to pass the time. So stop over-thinking this and just have fun with the soul-rotting judgement, okay?

Okay, fine. How about him? He looks like a nice guy. Look at that smile!

He looks nice alright, but do you actually find him attractive?

Well…

Don’t lie! You know what’ll happen if you lie.

Maybe I’ll meet him in real life and it’ll be different?

No. It won’t be different. You’ve been down this road before, and you know what’s going to happen. You’ll meet him, he’ll be a great guy, a good friend, he’ll fall in love with you, you’ll tell yourself that you’re in love with him, then he’ll kiss you, you’ll realize that you made the whole thing up in your head because you were desperate to love someone back for once, and then you’ll apologize to him, break it off, and never speak to him again. That’s how it always goes, so let’s save ourselves a bit of pain and embarrassment and move on.

Left swipe.

What about the girls? Where are the girls?

Well, statistically speaking, there are more straight boys in this world than girls-who-like-girls, so it’s not surprising that they’re less-

I want to see some girls. When I say that I’m looking for guys and girls, there should be 50/50 representation here.

I can switch my ‘looking for’ to ‘girls only’. That’ll make it 50/50 representation (I have no idea why there are so many boys in the ‘girls only’ option, but there are).

Do it. Most of the boys on this app are either going to be douchebags looking for hook-ups or nice guys who’ll only lead me down the same path that I’m always on. Maybe the girls will be different?

Okay, let’s see here… couple looking for a threesome… couple looking for a threesome… couple looking for a threesome…

Oh, she’s cute. Click on her picture.

Oh, wait, she’s 1/2 of a couple looking for a threesome.

Left swipe.

What about this girl?

It says in her description that she’s in an open relationship. That probably means couple looking for a threesome.

Well, not necessarily. Maybe she’s polyamorous?

Okay, maybe she is, but do I want to get involved in a polyamorous relationship?

I don’t know. Would you? Do you think that you could possibly date more than one person at a time?

At this rate, it’ll be a miracle if I date even one person at a time.

No, I’m serious. Would you?

Left swipe.

Screw this, I’m gonna watch some TV.

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